I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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