Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
