we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
