What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
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