I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
