the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
