He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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