highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
