Swine flu. Run for my life!
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
