Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
