Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
