Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
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