Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
