Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
