I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
