I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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