i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
