my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
