it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
