Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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