I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Randomize
