also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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