I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
