Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Fuck me I smell like cheese
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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