you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
