Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
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