On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
