I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Actions speak louder than pants.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
