I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
