Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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