last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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