My Higher Power is John Stamos
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
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