Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
