Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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