Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
