i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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