I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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