my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
