Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
