I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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