Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Houston, we have a blender
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
