Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
