I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
