He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
