i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
