My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
