Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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