does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
