I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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