Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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