I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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